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Eli: Im not in love with you anymore
Margot: I didn't know you ever were
Eli: Lets not make this any more difficult than it already is
Margot: Ok
Eli: Ok what?
Margot: Ok Im not in love with you either
Eli: Yes I know. Youre in love with Richie, which is sick and gross
Margot: Do you send my mother your clippings? And your grades from college?
Eli: Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews
Margot: Your reviews arent that good
Eli: But the sales are
-Royal Tenenbaums


Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass. Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and which is more, an officer, and which is more, a householder, and which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to and one that hath two gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!
-Much Ado About Nothing

Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
-Family Guy

Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn't it?
Museum Girl: Yes, it is.
Allan: What does it say to you?
Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
-Play It Again, Sam

We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!
-The Simpsons

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five. Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You're like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!
Clue

Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.
-Rushmore


Lane Myer: Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime.
Johnny: Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.
Lane Myer: My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis. Bye!
-Better off Dead

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
-The Simpsons

Fool: TB or not TB, that is congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough, of cough. But it takes a lung, lung time.
-Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Sex *but were afraid to ask

Dewey: And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen-- and we went to get Slurpees.
Reese: You did not! You just lied!
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
-Malcom in the Middle

The King: What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you have always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
The King: Won't that be nice. She kissed me!
-Princess Bride

First Jive Dude: Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?
Second Jive Dude: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man.
First Jive Dude: I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say?
Second Jive Dude: UH...
First Jive Dude: Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'.
Second Jive Dude: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man.
First Jive Dude: Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.
First Jive Dude, Second Jive Dude: Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em
First Jive Dude: Cold got to be! You know? Shiiiiiiit.
-Airplane (Blink 182 also uses this on Chesire Cat)

Fox Mulder: I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the shit-storm of all time.
-The X-Files

LLoyd: Hey, I guess they're right: senior citizens; although slow and dangerous behind the wheel--can still serve a purpose.
-Dumb and Dumber

Lancelot : We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad : I don't think I was.
Lancelot : Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad : Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot : No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad : Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Lancelot : No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
Sir Galahad : Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot : No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad : I bet you're gay.
Lancelot : No, I'm not.
-Monty Python and the Holy Grail

King Arthur : Old woman!
Dennis : Man.
King Arthur : Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis : I'm 37.
King Arthur : What?
Dennis : I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur : Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis : Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur : I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis : Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur : I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis : What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur : Well I am king.
Dennis : Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

-Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Penny Lane : I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously then you never get hurt. If you never get hurt then you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends.

-Almost Famous

Bumper Sticker Guy : [ running after Forrest ] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me -- WOAH! Man, you just ran through a huge pile of dog shit!!
Forrest Gump : It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy : What, shit?
Forrest Gump : Sometimes.

Forest Gump

Charlie Kaufman : [ voice-over ] Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that.

-Adaptation

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons

Lois: You kids, you just take your legs for granted. There's meningitis, there are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.
-Malcom in the Middle

Dana Scully: I think the most rewarding relationships, the ones that last, are born from friendship. One day you look at the person & see more than you did the night before, like a switch was flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with.
-The X-Files

Colin Mochrie: I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer, and he was going to tell it to me. 'Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer. That's the way it works... question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question. That would be Jeopardy. That's wrong!
-Who's Line is it Anyway?

Mrs. White: It's a matter of life after death, now that he's dead I have a life.
-Clue

Mr. Burke: Now, when I say "Romeo and Juliet," who comes to mind?
Dana: Clare Danes?
Mr. Burke: That's right, Clare Danes. Who else?
Chad: Leonardo Di Caprio.
Mr. Burke: Right. Who else? Well, you know someone else was involved in that movie who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo Di Caprio. And his name is William Shakespeare. And some great movies have been made based on his plays: Hamlet, West Side Story, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Waterworld, Gladiator, Chocolat...
-Orange County